The writer is a journalist in Shan State who is receiving support from The Kite Tales to write these diaries. 

“Your name is now in the list of people to be arrested. You should go into hiding.” 

The news changed everything.

I became a journalist to uncover the truth, to stand up for people and to expose human rights abuses. 

After the coup, the military cracked down on the media. Every night in the town I used to live, Taunggyi, they would hunt down protesters, journalists and dissidents and arrest them.

I continued working after the coup, recording the various ways people were standing up to the military dictatorship. I would broadcast some events LIVE and also as reports. I would also film and document the abuses committed by the police, soldiers, and other members of the military’s forces, so that people would know what was going on.  

So when I appeared on that list of wanted people, I knew I had to escape. There is still a lot to do from outside the prison walls. 

I was able to flee, but I lost my emotional security. I kept worrying that I would be arrested and trying to imagine what I should do if I was arrested.

During the day it is easy to move around between different hiding places, but I am always thinking about how to escape if they turn up at night. I have had many sleepless nights. 

When I’m in bed at night and I hear the sound of cars and motorcycles or dogs barking, I get up and check to see if anyone is there. It's been a year since I've been living with this kind of dread.

When I go out, I feel like people are watching me. When I’m in unfamiliar areas, if I see strangers looking at me, I wonder if they are spies. I dare not talk to them. I am constantly weighing up whether I should quit this work and go abroad to try to claim asylum. For many reasons, I can’t decide and I haven’t made any move yet. 

I’m now taking mental health classes to control my mind. I dare not live in any one place for very long. I must always be mindful of my surroundings. Sometimes I think I will let my guard down and just deal with whatever happens, but when I think of the real consequences that would affect not only myself but also my co-workers, I control myself and stay alert.

While I was on the run, a police officer working for the Military Council that I used to be friendly with contacted me on Facebook messenger. “Brother, come back. Things are calm now,” he told me. 

I didn’t respond. I thought to myself that he was tempting me to return.

Soon after, one of my sources who was also on the run asked for my advice about returning home. I told him he could not trust the military, but he went back home because he could no longer let his family be imprisoned in his stead.

He returned home quietly according to COVID-19 rules. When the community realised he had returned, the military broke its promise to close his case and arrested him in the middle of the night. We don’t know where he was taken to and what has been done to him. We don’t have contact anymore. 

Now I feel insecure where I live. 

I took a few months break from work and told my reporters also to prioritise their security. But after a while, I decided to work again as a journalist because we need to stand up for the truth, for the sake of the people. I started reporting from wherever I am. 

To be sure, the terrifying nights have intensified. But I continue to work in fear. I continue to work with care. Now I live in fear of the night.

Artwork by Songbird who is receiving support from The Kite Tales to produce illustrations.